There’s an old saying about arguments in relationships: “Never go to bed angry”. This is great advice — on the whole.
Unfortunately, sometimes we are so tired during a late-night fight, we just can’t think straight. We get cranky and emotional, we just want to sleep. This makes us even angrier than before. This becomes a vicious cycle: we don’t want to go to bed angry, so we try to work it out, but we are tired, so we get angry, so we can’t work it out, so we get even more tired and angry…
The way out of this is to call a “moratorium” — this is really just a timeout for grownups. We just agree that the discussion is better left for the future. We set a real appointment with each other to discuss the matter, at an agreed-upon time. This appointment could be the next day if you are arguing late at night; if you are arguing during the day, wait at least 30 minutes before you renew the discussion, just to let things simmer down. You both honor the appointment; it’s as if you made an appointment with your doctor or lawyer.
Until the appointment, just act “as if” you still respect and trust each other, as best you can. The vast majority of the time, the warmth of the relationship will resurface before the moratorium comes to an end. You can then have a civilized, even loving conversation about the matter at hand — if it even still matters to either of you.
We don’t do this tool perfectly, sometimes we don’t remember to do it at all. Even so, the moratorium has been an extremely helpful tool for us over the years. We hope it helps you too.
