Archive for July, 2010

Hot models

Saturday, July 31st, 2010

Which relationship model are you using?

We’ve found that mental models for relationships can be very helpful. Two of our favorites are what we term “entity” and “conversation”.

“Entity” is the view that a relationship is not just “you and me”, but rather has an existence of it’s own – a bit like a Corporation, which is a legal entity set up by people to do business. People are using this model when they ask “What is best for the relationship?” or “How will this affect the relationship?”. A dead giveaway that a couple operates from the “entity” model is when you hear them say “We” a lot, as in “We love Italian food”. You may find that habit irritating, but a recent study showed that those couples are far more likely to have a relationship that is both satisfying and lasting.

In the next relationship tip, we will be looking at the “conversation” model. We will also look at what happens when you and your partner are using different relationship models.

Did you find this tip helpful? Agree or disagree strongly? Let us know.

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If it’s ideal – It ain’t real

Sunday, July 18th, 2010

A few years ago, I was driving back from a group therapy retreat, the only man in a car full of women. One of the older women mentioned a book called “There is No Prince” by Marilyn Graman and Maureen Walsh. As soon as I heard the title, I cracked up laughing. What interested me, though, was the reaction of the two young women in the back seat – the title had to be explained to them. As a man, I got it right away.

What did I get? That a lot of women are looking for someone who will sweep them off their feet and onto a white charger. This is a perfectly natural, maybe inbuilt facet of human nature – and it’s certainly not restricted to women. Men are often looking for an angel or a princess or a goddess or… fill in the idealized blank. Many of us are looking for someone who has the cure for our life. Deep down, we feel helpless, or at least not up to the challenges of our life.

A certain amount of denial and idealization are probably unavoidable in romance  – it could be a trick that nature plays on human beings to get them to fall in love – otherwise, smart as we are, we might never find a suitable mate or companion. But when we are driven by unconscious feelings of helplessness or inadequacy, we are forced to watch our dates and our mates very closely for signs that the cure will be reversed.

If you are single, looking for a prince or princess will make it harder to be with your date’s imperfections. Worse, it may blind you to them. Learn to love yourself – all of you: the good, the bad, and the ugly. It’s somewhat paradoxical: intimate relationships are the best vehicle I know of for stirring all that up – but only once you have at least begun that process for yourself, can you really love someone else for the whole of who they are.

Thanks for reading this first blog post, we hope you will choose to subscribe, leave comments, etc. If you are interested in the book mentioned above, click here.

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